Chaos Comes Clear to Form a Life
by adahleida
Summary: I always thought it was River who was lost without her big brother. Now I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't the other way around." -Gabriel Tam. What was Simon's life like before he had his little sister? What did he feel when she was born?


**Disclaimer:**

I do not own nor have I created Firefly or any of it's characters. That privilege belongs to Mr. Joss Whedon. The poem at the beginning is not mine either, it belongs to the brilliant ee cummings.

**Author's Notes:**

This is my first story, so feedback would be much appreciated. I haven't found a beta yet either so if anyone spots any spelling/grammar errors please let me know. Thanks!

* * *

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond  
any experience, your eyes have their silence:  
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,  
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me  
though i have closed myself as fingers,  
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens  
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, and i  
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,  
as when the heart of this flower imagines  
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals  
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture  
compels me with the colour of its countries,  
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes  
and opens; only something in me understands  
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)  
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-- e. e. cummings

* * *

Simon Tam never played much with other children. Even as an infant he seemed to prefer lying in his crib to being held. If a person smiled at him, cooed at him, frowned at him, waved at him, it didn't matter. They were met with blank indifference. The only times Simon showed any kind of contentment was when he was given a room full of toys and left to his own devices.

It became apparent Simon was gifted ten days after his first birthday. The annual family reunion dinner was in full swing with the dining table surrounded by aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins galore. Sitting in his high chair at the head of the table next to his father, he had been characteristically silent all evening. Until he noticed he was out of his favourite food.

"Grandpapa, would you please pass the apple crisp?" he asked, speaking loudly, with confidence and perfect enunciation.

The whole table fell silent and just stared.

* * *

Simon found himself enrolled in an elite private preschool two years after he first spoke. His father was incredibly proud of his young genius and wanted only the best for him. After being brought home from his first day by Mrs. Tam, however, Simon was completely deaf to his father's questions on how his day went. He simply wandered off into his playroom.

Shaking his head in frustration, Mr. Tam turned his questions to his wife. "Well, how did it go? His first day! What did the teacher say? Did he do well?"

"He built the most amazingly elaborate house out of Legos" she began. "It was incredible; it had twelve rooms on five levels, including two half levels, and was completely structurally sound. It even had a secret passageway and a spiral staircase. The teacher said he'd never seen anything like it."

"That's my boy!" exclaimed Mr. Tam. "How many friends did he make?"

There was silence for a moment as Mrs. Tam glanced down at her hands, folded ladylike in her lap. Drawing in a breath, she spoke hesitantly and barely above a whisper.

"He hardly spoke a word to another child all day, even when they invited him to play, or to help with his Legos. He sat entirely by himself, building his house."

"He must be a little shy. He'll get over it."

This time she sighed, pressed her lips together, and shifted her elegant frame nervously in her chair.

"The teacher spoke to him about his behavior. Mr. Pemberton explained to me that he attempted to get Simon to join in with the children for a game of hide and seek. When he told Simon he didn't have to be shy because the other kids were really nice, Simon told him 'Thank you, but I am not shy. Playing with them simply does not interest me.'"

She looked warily at her husband, waiting for the explosion. When nothing was forthcoming she gathered her nerves and spoke the worst of it all in a rush.

"Mr. Pemberton recommends, now wait, just, just, not requires, he didn't say requires, he just made the _suggestion_, that maybe we have Simon tested. Between his… abilities and his mannerisms, Mr. Pemberton thinks there's a likely chance Simon has a form of high-functioning autism. He says it's good to catch things early. He says the school can provide the very best environment for students with special ne…."

Mr. Tam's explosion cut her off: _"My son is not crazy!!"_

Simon was withdrawn the next day, and given a private tutor.

* * *

As gifted as he was, Simon lived his life on autopilot. Not happy, not unhappy. He remained with his private tutor until he enrolled in Grade 1. There he observed, he studied, he absorbed: everything his eidetic memory came into contact with. But he still refused to play with the other children.

Occasionally, however, he would help others with their homework. One sunny recess Ms. Lau, the Grade 5 teacher, found Simon laying on a patch of grass beneath two leafy oak trees, utterly oblivious to the laughter and shrieking of his fellow Grade 1's playing in the sprinkler. Instead, he was correcting one of Ms. Lau's student's essays. Astonished, Ms. Lau reported what she had seen to the principal, who asked the Tams' permission to test Simon's IQ and level of academic achievement. No mention of psychiatric tests was made, and Mr. Tam had no objections to something that would only show off how talented his son was. So Simon sat the exams, and was advanced rapidly up through the grade levels.

It seemed his parents and teachers became completely focused on his academic achievements, but Simon's behaviour did not manage to escape the attentions of the school counselor. Pat was a gentle man in his early 50's, with a deep, soothing voice, calm manner, and uncanny ability to read people. He had been present for Simon's intelligence tests and was aware of Mr. Tam's reaction to any suggestion that his son may have any sort of mental problem. So Pat approached Simon carefully. Instead of calling Simon into his office, Pat found him at a place the boy was known to frequent: studying beneath his two favourite oak trees.

"Hello, Simon" Pat said in his gentle rumbling tone.

Simon looked up suddenly, set down his book and pencil, and shaded his eyes to get a better look at who had spoken.

"Oh, hello Mr. Barske. How are you today?"

"Call me Pat" Pat said, and smiled. "Mind if I sit down?"

"No, not at all. Is there something I can help you with?" Simon asked with his characteristic eloquent politeness: disquieting to hear in the voice of a 7 year old.

"I've noticed you out here from time to time, and I thought this would be a good place to find you and ask you a couple of questions, if you don't mind?"

Simon nodded his assent. Pat sat down on the grass about 3 feet away from the boy and took off his shoes and socks, burying his toes in the grass. Then he looked over at Simon. For a few moments Pat was completely silent as he studied Simon and contemplated his next question. Simon sat up and closed his textbook, looking back at Pat expectantly. Just when Simon was about to ask what question Pat had for him, Pat spoke.

"I've read through your file: you are exceptionally brilliant, you study hard, and are always very polite to your teachers. But I've noticed you don't seem to join in with the other children's activities very much. It looks like that group of boys over there is having a blast playing hide and seek. Do you think you would like to join them?"

Simon appeared to consider this for a moment, then shook his head and said "No, I don't think so, thank you."

"Why is that?"

This was something new. No one had ever asked him for reasons. Up until now, he'd only received lectures on being sociable.

"I don't like hide and seek."

"Oh, ok, what games do you like to play? Capture the flag? Dodgeball? Chess? Go Fish? Maybe we can get some of the other kids interested."

Simon sighed to himself. So much for novel questions. Coaches were constantly pressuring him to join sports teams, his parents never let up about when he would bring friends home to play, and his teachers continuously forced him into group projects no matter how much he protested. It looked like he was going to have to have this conversation again. He braced himself, and spoke.

"Thank you, those are very kind suggestions, but I'm just not interested in playing with the others."

"Oh? How come?"

"Well…" Simon paused and tilted his head to the side as he tried to figure out how to explain. Pat remained silent, sitting calmly and enjoying the feel of the grass between his toes as he waited for Simon to find his words.

"I just don't see the point." Simon finally came up with.

Pat paused for a moment and looked up at the sunlight filtering between the branches of the two oak trees. A smile came over him when he spotted two baby squirrels floating across the uppermost limbs of the tree: precariously, gracefully dancing over incredibly tiny twigs, one in hot pursuit of the other. Pat felt a moment of breathlessness when the smaller executed a spectacular feat of acrobatics, knocking the larger off its perch and sending them both plummeting towards the solid earth, only to be saved at the last moment when they somehow managed to catch themselves on the lower branches. When he looked down again he found Simon had been watching their antics as well.

"It's like those squirrels, Simon. They're learning from each other. Often young animals will learn the skills they need to survive through play with their siblings. In this case, it appears to be the ability to run across trees quickly and gracefully, without plummeting to the ground. When they are fully grown, that will help them evade predators, or reach food in difficult locations. You need relationships to survive in this world, Simon. Not just for the new skills you can learn, but to bond with others, to surround yourself with family and friends for protection and support. And for the happiness that someone you love can bring to your life."

"Yes, like the nomadic tribes on Earth-That-Was" Simon replied. "Anthropologists believe that when man first evolved on Earth-That-Was they lived in small bands of 30 to 60 people. Living in groups allowed them to share resources like food, make chores easier by spreading out the workload, and keep themselves safer from attack by having several people to defend or hunt as needed. I understand what you're saying. It's just…" he trailed off and looked down.

Pat remained silent. It was the oldest trick in the counselor's book: if you don't say anything, the other person will often begin to talk just to fill the silence. As long as you are patient enough to wait for them to speak on their own terms, when they're ready, they can surprise you with their insights. And, hopefully, they will surprise themselves as well.

"I think about all this, the bonds people can form and the happiness that I've seen others have when they're part of a group… when they belong. I just… my group, my family, my classmates… I just don't feel any of that. I can see it and understand it going on around me, but I can't see my place in it. My bonds are… broken. Or maybe they weren't ever there. I look around and I have no place in the group. No bonds, no place, no… point. I feel pointless."

Suddenly Simon's eyes rose and stared, focused on a point a thousand miles away. His tiny 7-year-old frame slumped in on itself. He sat there for a moment in perfect stillness. Then he looked up at Pat with a level of pain in his eyes that was beyond his years, and spoke again.

"I feel pointless."

* * *

After his conversation with the counselor, Simon continued on autopilot. He spoke to Pat under the oak trees again twice. After they'd discussed his family background a little more, the counselor found himself even more reluctant to make a formal diagnosis. Both he and Simon knew the reaction Mr. Tam would have, and that nothing good would come of it. But Pat made Simon a promise he would help the boy. So, they continued to meet under the oak trees whenever Simon wanted to speak with him.

Four weeks and five days after Simon had his painful revelation Mr. Tam called him downstairs to attend a "family meeting". Dutifully, he put his pencil down and went to sit with his mother and father at the dinner table.

"Son, we have some important news" began Mr. Tam. He was sitting next to Mrs. Tam, who was holding his hand and glancing back and forth between her husband and her lap. Simon, opposite them both, looked at his mother's pale skin and strained little half smile. He noticed how strongly his father's hand was clenching his mother's. His eyes rose to meet his father's steady gaze.

"What's wrong, Dad?"

His father burst out with nervous laughter. "Oh, nothing! Nothing's wrong Simon. We've just had a bit of an unexpected surprise. Your mother, well, she's, well… son, you're going to have a little brother or sister soon."

"Mother's pregnant?" Simon asked, incredulously. Then he paused for a moment and arched an eyebrow inquisitively, as if all the pieces of data were lined up neatly in his mind except one.

"How did this happen?"

His father flushed an unusual shade of pink and began to stutter.

"Well you see, son, when two people, when they uh, when they love each other very much they uh, they uh… they get married! And, and, and _then_ when they get married they uh, well, see son they uh…"

"They have sexual intercourse so that male gamete cells, the sperm, can enter the female body to fertilize the female gamete cell, the ovum. Once merged, the two gametes become a zygote that will then begin cellular division in order to develop into an embryo, which will in turn develop into a fetus, which will be born as a human child. I understand this, Father. What I don't understand is, since Mother had tubal ligation last year, how did the ovum travel from her ovaries through her fallopian tubes and into her uterus, if her fallopian tubes were tied off to prevent just such an occurrence?"

There was a moment of silence.

"And you don't have to be married to have sexual intercourse, Dad. Even *_I*_ know that."

* * *

After putting Simon to bed, the Tams shared a moment of contemplation.

"I think that boy might just become a doctor" Mr. Tam declared.

"Perhaps." Privately, Simon's mother was concerned her son wouldn't have the people skills for such a field. But she could already see the gleam in her husband's eye: imagining his son, the brilliant doctor, the youngest person ever to get a seat on the medical board… She smiled gently and decided to keep her worry to herself for the time being.

"I think our unexpected surprise will be quite special, too" she said, placing a hand on her stomach, her soft smile turning brilliant. "After all, the odds of getting pregnant after a tubal ligation are astronomical. To have beaten those odds… it's like she was meant to be. She must be a pretty important little soul to this 'verse."

"Are you so sure she's a she?" smiled Mr. Tam.

"Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?" Mrs. Tam looked up at her husband. Suddenly there was fear and hesitation in her eyes.

"Don't worry, ài ren. I know it's unexpected, but this little one will fit into our life. Soon you won't be able to imagine how you existed without her."

* * *

River was born on a gray day. Simon loved gray days, when the rain fell steadily and the sky was covered in a blanket of cloud. He found the soft diffuse light soothing, and he loved the feel of the cool moist air as he drew breaths deeply into his lungs. The grey colours were plain and drab to average eyes but Simon could see so many different shades, and he found the multitude and the contrast of them intricately beautiful. It was a day for bundling up, moving slowly, and marveling in the world.

After school Simon's father was 45 minutes late picking him up. He didn't mind. It gave him time to put his waterproof jacket down on the damp grass, sit beneath his oak trees, and listen to the rain gently pattering against the leaves above him.

He was jolted from his reverie by his father's sudden appearance: the family's hovercraft winding down to a noisy, shuddering halt directly outside the school gates. Simon leapt into motion, gathering his things and running across the school lawn to join his father.

Once Simon was on board, his father spoke. "I'm sorry I'm late. Your mother is at the hospital. She's given birth."

Simon was relieved to hear this. The birth had been two weeks overdue. "Is she ok, father? Is the baby alright?"

"Yes, yes, they're both fine."

"Are we going to go see them?"

"Of course."

Mr. Tam grasped the controls firmly and powered up the hovercraft. As they launched into the sky the searing white hot exhaust of the thrusters added another shade to the symphony of grays in the sky.

* * *

Simon struggled to keep up with his father's long legs as they strode rapidly down the hallway. As they rounded the corner into Mrs. Tam's room, they were greeted by the sight of a small green bundle held in the sleeping woman's arms.

Mr. Tam gently removed the bundle from her grasp and walked over to Simon. "This is your baby sister. River. Here, hold her."

He handed the bundle off to Simon, went and sat down beside his wife, and started leafing through his briefcase. He was completely ignorant to the miracle happening not 5 feet away from him.

Simon pushed folds of soft green blanket away to reveal the face of a sleeping infant. He stared for a moment, frozen in time. Then his sister woke up. Dark, rich, chocolate brown eyes of unfathomable intensity blinked, and gazed upward into eyes the colour of sunlight shining through blue ice. Holding her tiny body in his arms, Simon looked at River, River looked at Simon, and a whole conversation was held in depths unknown. Answers were given to questions he hadn't even known existed. Suddenly he knew everything he'd ever felt was missing was right there in his arms. A collection of points coming together; chaos comes clear to form a life. Simon had a sister. For the first time ever, Simon was home.


End file.
